Out of Stock

When I first learned of Cy’s diagnosis, a million things and a million emotions flooded through me. It was so overwhelming that there was a calmness about it, like a wave of bullshit was washing over me and giving me only one focus: Cy.

Today though… today there was no calmness, no singular focus. Anger, frustration and overwhelming sadness took over.

I’ve been going though this process of accepting his diagnosis. There’s this underlying “but what if” thought that I can’t get rid of. The research all led to what everyone already knows: Diet is the main “treatment” for this incurable disease. But with every symptom, I go through this check list in my mind.

He doesn’t want to eat. Why? He’s nauseous. The doctor gave him antacids and anti nausea medication. But we don’t want him on prolonged medication that could eventually lead to more health problems. How do we fix his nausea? What is causing it? Toxins. Kidney’s not filtering toxins. What can we do to filter his toxins? IV? Sub Q? Diet. Change his diet. No, we already are… what else?

It’s like I know why, but I can’t accept why. There has to be something else… something else I can do… something else that’s wrong… This can’t be true. He’s such a good boy. He’s dying...

“He’s dying.” I pleaded with the manager of the pet store I drove 30 minutes to searching for the particular canned food flavor Cy seems to be favoriting at the moment. But there was nothing she can do. It was out of stock, despite what it said online.

I called my best friend shortly after with the simple realization. I had never said those words out loud before.

He’s dying.

And the truth is, there’s nothing that I can do to stop it. I can try my hardest to prolong his life, but one day his kidneys will fail.

I find myself feeling like a 5-year-old all over again. Wanting the large Pochacco stuffed animal, but not having enough money for it. Wanting something so badly, but not be able to make it happen. So I cried on the phone. Frustrated, angry and mostly sad.

As I drove another 30 minutes in a completely different direction, racing to another pet store… I realized something else, I might be a complete mess right now. I might cry at the weirdest times. But, I’m not defeated.

An hour later, I sat on my kitchen counter, fresh cold beer in my hand, watching Cy eat his favorite canned food flavor. Happiness.